As I sit here on my bed at almost midnight during the late dawn of November, hopped up on some nameless substance (lack of sleep), I am slapped in the face with the fact that I am whole heartedly smitten and devoted to a certain man who happens to currently be residing in Thailand temporarily, I want so badly to tell him all of these feelings that are overwhelming my mind right now.
We haven't been together near long enough for people to believe it if I were to say I love him, but I do. This man is like no one I have ever met. He is absolutely incredible. Breathtaking. Mesmerizing. Intelligent. Funny. He has so many traits about him I never thought I would want in a man, but as it would turn out, he is everything I've been looking for- and that is something not even I knew. I would sit sometimes at dinner, or on the tip top of a freezing cold rock in the rain, and just look at him and the butterflies continue. There is such a beautiful mind within him.. such a precious soul. He and I met at work; a hard-working chef who had a great passive-aggressive sense of humor and this bandana which strangely attracted me... and these tattoos up his arms that my mind longed to find the end of... he had to be mine. He is, however, a one night stand gone terribly awry and I'm sad to say I've fallen for this crazy bastard. I'm so used to meeting people and having them in and out of my life in under a month; I had a tolerance built up toward it for a long time.. I didn't want that broken down. It's horrifying. It always results in heartbreak for me. Always has. People either get tired of me being around, or they just don't want me anymore, and I'm always the one who loves more. That's how I am. I have such empathy for people. Hopefully this will be the end of that streak. It was terrifying, getting to know this person. This random stranger I met at a random event I picked up at the very last minute now has my heart to do with it whatever he pleases. It's sad, really, not knowing what's going to happen, but I'm very glad and very lucky to say that I have no desire to be with anyone else or change anything the way it is, right now. He's on the other side of the world, and I talk to him twice a day, maybe, and I haven't been happier with someone in a long time. We lived together for a week and a half before he left, and the only stress was caused by his trip- it was perfect. I could do that for an extended period of time. I would love to. He is the best company to keep, and he makes me happier than any other. It's funny, life, in that it always manages to hit you in the face with exactly what you wanted, whether you knew it or not, as soon as you stop looking for it.
Before I moved out to San Diego, I had repressed my unnerving desire to travel and not settle down and eat and drink and live my fucking life the way I wanted to because goddammit I only get one and I wanted to live it in the best way possible. I became a school-driven, parent-pleasing person. That's not the girl I am. I'm some sort of combination drug/alcoholic with a tendency to fall asleep during movies and be wide awake as soon as they're over. I love food and I'm vulgar.. I make inappropriate jokes at inappropriate times and I am uncomfortable in new social situations. I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am, but fuck if I don't know exactly what I want out of this life.
If I were to travel this tiny planet, this pale blue dot, if I may, and work several odd jobs and gain nothing but common knowledge and experience, I feel I would be completely content with myself and the way I lived my life. Life is too short to sit around and be miserable. I just quit my job for that exact reason.
and this man, Tariq, this perfect man, reintroduced me to that girl.
As I spoke to an old friend recently, Tariq was brought up and I did the typical "what's he like, what does he do" bullshit... and as I was speaking, my friend chimed in with "you know, Giulia, it's about time you found him. I think you found your guy." I was confused until he expanded- there was a time when all I talked about was seeing the world and trying everything and this craving to live in (or slightly above) the poverty line to empathize and gain knowledge and pure human interaction. Human interaction is a million times more important and rewarding than anything you could ever learn in school, and this is something I've believed for many years. There's nothing I want more than to go and live and see everything and do everything and have the best stories to tell as I grow old with whomever I end up growing old with. The idea of being cooped up in an office (save a newspaper/magazine/online combination of the two, office) with nothing to show for my life but my master's degree and the $80,000 I have in debt from going to school to achieve this "education" is terrifying. I was programmed to believe, not only by school officials, but by my mother's best friend- a woman I have looked up to for as long as I can remember- that getting a college education was the only way to be truly happy. But throughout my life, I've realized that isn't what I want. Not at all. Sure, it opens up a million and a half doors, and I'm sure I'll take some classes online and get a small journalism degree at some point, so people take me seriously, but at the end of the day, all I want is to be out in the world with someone I love- helping people, eating amazing food, and culturing myself. The thought of being tied down in one place doing one thing for the rest of my life, simply to live in one city with one person and one home... it is so unappealing. I crave the change and beautiful disaster that comes with not knowing what's going to happen... and doing it anyway.
I am so incredibly grateful to this amazing man for reintroducing me to myself. I know what I want and I know who I want it with. I cannot thank him enough for his support and the things he says that he doesn't even realize hit me so hard.
I found myself in him. It's a beautiful thing when that happens... I can't think of any other place I'd rather be than with him at any point in time doing any random shit we get ourselves into.
Such a precious soul.
Such a bittersweet time.
Such a beautiful future.
